Uffda, Things go pear-shaped. Life isn’t always fair. Sometimes, I work really hard and it doesn’t go to plan. People may break my heart, let me down and disappoint me. Every once in a while, I even fall on my face. This tends to be life.
But I am resilient. I know and accept that I am a child of God. Before anything and after everything else; I am his. He created me, sustains me and loves me so I can keep going. I can push forward. He is there when I fail, he teaches in those moments. When I stumble and fall, he picks me up and carries me. When I am weak, he is my strength. I can do anything and everything through my God when I know and accept I am his child; I just have try, try again and again. Trust in him to be the light of my life.
Unfortunately, the darkness comes uninvited, unannounced and without much warning. Sometimes my depression is the buzzing annoyance of a fly and other times it’s a shadow of Godzilla terrorizing me. The monster taunts me with the venom of insecurities and lies. It gratifies in its ability to so easily take me down by planting doubts.
I have learned a couple of things in my darkness. I must avoid mirrors. It waits there for my reflection to insult me. It pulls at my body and suffocates any confidence that dares to flicker. I avoid the sunshine, also. Although, it looks pleasant I know it will use the light against me to burn holes in my brain only to fill them with the darkest of thoughts; intoxicating me with anxiety and despair.
So in the pitch black of my darkness, I cling to my bed. I play dead only to realize that this is also the monster’s lair. Fortunately, I am not scared of the monster or the dark. I am scared of the comfort I feel being held hostage by my own brain. That I can’t break down the invisible chains restraining me nor do I really desire to.
I have no recollection of the time passing while I curl up with the companionship of my pillows and duvet. I exhaust myself entertaining my undesired company. Defeated and in a desperate state of yearning for the weight to simply diminish, I wait for my uninvited guests to hit the road. So, I can get back to, “normal”.
I know I am still a child of God even in this sad state of being. My God can’t vanquish my monsters, he can only walk through the darkness with me. I never know how long my visitors will stay, depression is rude like that. I pray for light to come as I get sick of a darkness without the moon or stars. During my darkness, I always cry out to God, “Save me from myself! I am yours! I need you. I trust in you!” God always has a strange way of meeting me in these moments.
He answers often by using others. So, I am slowly released from the confines of my mind by my brothers and sisters in Christ. Their ability to answer my unequivocal silence is God working through them. With affirmations of love and grace, they penetrate my darkness breaking me free. I don’t question when the light will come anymore because i know God is on my case. He sends my friends and family as an army of light to scatter my darkness.
I don’t lose my identity in the darkness. I become confident in my identity that I am continually saved.
When the darkness leaves me, I feel my own light re-ignite. I can live outward what my brain has trapped inside me. My resilience is what inspires me to live out my faith exuberantly. Boldly living my life as a resilient, misfit, child of God. Before anything and after everything I am a child of God. This is my true identity. Depression has no say in it.
God created us for relationship. To live pious lives among each other, to support and look after each other as family. We need others, friends, family, community to live life fully for Christ and be an army of light defending each other.
Brothers and Sisters, Thank you for being constant soldiers of love and light in my life.
I would like to re-assure you all that I am safe, happy and healthy.
I was diagnosed with Clinical Depression in 2013. I should have gotten help years before hand but was ashamed of my mental illness. After trying counseling, medicine and various other types of treatments nothing has helped more than re-giving my life to Christ and relying on him in everything.
More people suffer than we think and we are not alone in this. If you feel like something isn’t right, go to a Doctor, talk to a friend/ family member and ask for prayer.