Not that I am any sort of fan of this particular series of nauseating romantic comedies but Bridget Jones Diary; very plainly makes us feel like it is not only possible but normal to be in love with two men at the same time. While, I find it vastly unsettling that she seems to drag along these poor blokes down what I can only assume is a rather bumpy and dramatic ride, I can’t help but feel like I understand her heart being split in two ridiculously opposite directions. She literally couldn’t pick between the most opposite of men.
Before your brains explode and your hearts go to mashed potato; my heart is in fact being pulled in two enormously different directions. One string pulled by a long time relationship, the history looks more or less like a roller coaster, however, there is comfort, stability, no- real surprises or risk. The other string pulled by something fairly new, exciting, frustrating, refreshing, spontaneous and honestly raises more questions than anything else. Both, however, respect me, shower me with blessing and encourage me towards God and envelop me with love.
I have come to the conclusion that I don’t need to make a decision about either and in fact I don’t want to.
When I left North Dakota this second time; I left parts of my heart there with friends and family, in my childhood home, playing with my dog and basking in the wide open skies that are NoDak. Coming back to England, the village I have grown to love and also call home holds parts of my heart as well. Doing a job I feel called to do, finding community among all ages and enjoying the conversational banter and lovely chaos that ensues my host family day in and day out.
These are the strings pulling at my heart.
I have one heart and two almost completely different lives in which I am immersed in. In love with both and yet I don’t really feel like I belong in either. This summer I felt as though I had out grown and overstayed Fargo but I never really feel like I belong here in England either. I don’t sound the same and my American brash-ness makes me stand out like a sore thumb.
So maybe, I can be in love with two places at the same time. In fact I feel as though if I don’t leave bits of my heart scattered around how will I ever be able to find my way back to the beginning where it all started. Where I found God knocking on my door, begging me to pack my bags and trust in him. It is okay that my heart is both here and there and hopefully many places in between because God is everywhere.
Much love, all the joy and Godspeed,