Read it and Weep

I am an emotional being. I cry nearly as much as I laugh and I don’t find it that weird. It is my normal. If I am not between a 5 and a 7 on the sad to happy scale… my eyes are probably leaking. But that’s my okay. I actually quite like my crying. It feels healthy.

Today, I started crying because I finally got to spend sometime with a dear friend of mine; given it was just a 10 min car ride from Claverdon to Henley but as I got out and went to my flat I burst into tears. I became a puddle of happy and sad… a fountain of anger and lament… a waterfall of distress and peace and now I feel just fine.

Let me explain. Because often emotion, especially the kind that moves us to tears meets the response of “Shhhhh” or “It’s okay” or (the crappiest response) “Don’t cry”. When inside my head I had a tribe of girlfriends chanting,”cry!”, “Let it out”, “Amen, sister!”

So my explanation…

I was emotionally set free by the kindness of my dear friend offering me a ride home out of her way, inconvenient and 10 mins past her own house. We spent the drive catching up on each other’s lives, sharing our genuine concern and basking in a friendship. I felt delighted to have a girlfriend and while we are separated by decades our lives seem to share meaning. It felt inspired to have our soul sister vibes finding rhythm again.  I didn’t know during the car journey but as soon as I stepped through my threshold I knew that this was actually an answer to prayer.

I have been feeling so many emotions lately that I abnormally haven’t been able to really cry my normal cry.; be my emotional roller coaster of a self.  So I just sat down on my stairs and cried.

Tonight at Claverdon’s Alpha course, where I was coming from, we talked about prayer, I decided to make this freedom of tears my prayer.  So I have been sitting on the stairs crying.  This is what came pouring out.

Praise.

Thank you GOD for being such an unstoppable force. An almighty heavenly ruler to look after us, care for us and never let us down. You are the alpha and the omega, the beginning and the end. The creator and the sustainer. You are love and goodness. You have already seized victory over evil and you protect us from darkness. You are gentle like a mother, firm like a father  and kind like a friend. I get to see bits of your face in your children, people I get to call friends. You are mysterious and wonderful.

Gratitude. 

Thank you for sending Jesus Christ to take the penalty for our sins, that through him we have the freedom and ability to be good enough to meet with you when ever we want. Thank you GOD for friends and family, that show us love and support in a very real way. Thank you for your earthly church, brothers and sisters in Christ that stand together as a band of instruments learning about you and praising all you do in our lives. Thank you for sending your holy spirit to wrap around us when we are all out of sorts, when we feel lost and when we feel empty. GOD, thank you for restoring us, making us resilient and loving people with each day that we seek you. Thank you GOD for a loving me when I am not lovable, for guiding me when I have turned the wrong way, for blessing me with opportunities to get to know you. I love you.

But GOD…

Lament.

I don’t understand you. Where are you in the pain? Where are you in the sickness and in the wickedness? Why does it sometimes feel like darkness is winning if you have already won? GOD, I seek your will in all of the news headlines and I just don’t get it.

When people of power make jokes about killing an already marginalized group. When horrible natural disasters crash and burn homes and peoples hope. When I have to see my friends and 500,000 human beings of the like post statuses of #MeToo in response to the epidemic of sexual assault. WHERE ARE YOU THEN? How many people have cried out to you in desperation?

When people consistently get away with rape and murder stealing peoples joy and replacing it with suffering. When racism is a blatant part of our society that it becomes a cultural norm. Where children don’t feel safe in their homes or in their schools. When there are children, human beings you created, suffering in all corners of the world from malnutrition, diseases, constant war, abuse and domestic violence. FATHER GOD, WHERE ARE YOU?

When good people, your people are dying from cancer and disease. When people are battling their inner demons, their personal darkness, their depression… GOD?

When people abuse the power they have. When things like terrorism, sex slavery and dirty corporate swindlers seem to be in charge of the spin of the world. When people abuse the elderly. When people turn to drugs because they cant find you and they need something to fill the void… GOD tell me where you are. I am desperate for you to assure me that there is something I am not seeing. GOD???

It scares me how easily, I can get angry at you, GOD. It makes me so sad that this is the reality we have fallen to. Can we ever be redeemed from this hell on earth?

I am sobbing at this point curled into a tiny ball, like a child. When tears stopped flooding down my cheeks, I sniffled that horrible sniffle where nothing moves because your nose has become a brick and your face is just numb. Sitting up. I somehow felt…

Peace.

I felt Jesus sat next to me crying too. I felt God directly behind us with his hand on our shoulders saying, “I know… it hurts. I didn’t want this for you. Go ahead, Cry. You can be angry, you can feel this way. I feel it too. Everyday. All the time…”

We were wrapped in some kind of blanket. It bound us tightly together and it took me a moment to realize that this was the spirit and it dawned on me that the number of times I have prayed for GOD to wrap me in love, in his holy spirit this must be what it is. A blanket of peace, love, even heaven. I have never felt so need-less or want-less, just peace.

I blinked my eyes a couple of times because they felt dry oddly enough and then they were all gone. I was just sat on my rug in the middle of my floor with a stuffy nose.

You see the reality hasn’t changed at all. All of this horrible-ness, the evil lurking in this world is evident but its darkness and what combats darkness but light. I am a Christian human being and it is my responsibility as a human being and my privilege as a Christian to be a light. Shining and showing love, mercy, forgiveness, (insert what you may need here) into the lives of those around me.

John 8:12

12 When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.”

Matthew 5: 14-16

14 “You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden.15 Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. 16 In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.

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